Restlessness & Change
For the past several weeks my life has been plagued by a general feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction. At first I thought it was just the typical summer lull in my work schedule (with a few intermittent crisis deadlines), the ending of a big project and the weird transitional time between the next big one. But in a conversation with my sweetie the other day, he mentioned that some of the things I was saying were indicative of someone who wasn’t feeling very challenged by their job. The second those words left his mouth — probably before I even really heard them — I knew he was right.
While I don’t really consider this job my life’s work, it has been, at least for the last year, challenging and engaging. Particularly these last few months of transitioning into working from home, getting settled, learning how to manage my time (or not) and so forth. There was a lot that was new and for a time that was enough. But I knew all of that window dressing wouldn’t hide for long that essentially I am still doing the same uninspiring thing I set out not to do. Namely, writing marketing materials for big box retailers. Given my philosophical leanings on the consumer culture, corporate business practices, environmental impact and so forth, you can probably draw the conclusion that while it pays the bills, it isn’t exactly what I would be doing in my ideal world. That is not to say that it hasn’t had its benefits. It pays the bills and I am a firm believer in paying the bills. It has done wonders for my writing skills (and editing), and the materials I work on are not straight “sales” pieces, so that makes it tolerable, but not exactly exciting. And I’m working from home — which has its ups (flexibility, freedom, comfort, convenience) and downs (isolation, distractions, constant presence of work in my life), but is overall a very good setup.
Initially, one of the grand appeals of working from home (and this was what I continually stressed in all my early conversations with Mr. Knittiot) was supposed to be the extra time, energy and flexiblity it would afford. This would then free me up to focus on figuring out what I want, where I belong, etc. Ultimately, I reasoned, this would help me start building a life and career that wasn’t dependant on my dazzling copywriting and editing skills — at least not in the way they are currently employed.
And while I am tempted to say that this has not yet happened, that would be a lie. Working at home has given me considerable time to contemplate my next move, to research topics of interest to me and to think about what it is that draws my passions and motivates me. I think where some of the problem comes in (and the restlessness) is that I am always focused on the future and where I think I want to be. The eternal question seems to be — How do you keep moving toward a goal and yet remain content with where you are?
I realize that in self-examination there are no shortcuts, and discovering the truth (or truths) about one’s self is a lifelong process. I know every moment that went before this one led me here and that there is no arriving, only continuing on the next leg of the journey, because once you’ve arrived, you stop moving and that eventually leads to stagnation. Yet somehow I keep imagining that “figuring it out” is going to be this miraculous moment with streaming sunlight and parting clouds and choirs of celestial beings singing and swooping low to lay a mantel over my shoulders, after which I will stride off into the world holding my purpose like a scepter or, rather, since I am fond of wandering prophet imagery, a gnarled old staff. And birds will bring me food, and doubt (most importantly self-doubt) will never plague me again, because I will have a purpose. There will be no more greener pastures, only this — my purpose.
But this isn’t exactly an ancient religious text we’re living here, and finding your place is more organic than that and more about *making* your own way and taking possesion of your life — not just surrendering to the cultural tides. And purpose? Well, that can be a multifaceted stone. So, am I thinking, pondering and considering my options? Yes. Do I have all the answers yet? Heck no. Do I have some ideas worth exploring a little more? Yes indeed. Does that mean it is all going to magically fall into place tomorrow? Oh. Right. I guess not, huh? Bingo.
So here we are, right back with that whole patience thing again. Damn. Whenever am I going to learn that one? I guess I’ll learn it in time. Oh the irony.
May 17th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
This hits closer to home than I can possibly tell you. Really. Except for the part where I expect the birds to bring me food.
May 17th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
Isn’t it hard making a living as a writer and editor? It seems like there are so few slots for us to do work that is really good and meaningful and interesting. I finally packed it in because most of the writing jobs in the DC area require one to work for the war machine, and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I am now, officially, a techie, as opposed to a writer/editor who knows some web stuff. I’m suddenly a Department of Education contractor, and it’s so much better. I miss being able to call myself a professional writer, though I still write about as much at work, but I love having more brain-space to write when I get home. Good luck, whatever you decide.
May 17th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
Very thought provoking post. I’ve spent the last seven years pondering this question of “what is my purpose?” and while I think I have found an answer, my dedication to pursuing it changes from day to day. I don’t think it ever becomes easy or stagnant, either. The artists I know who have found their purpose have also found that said purpose changes over time as they and their life situations change. Good luck in your quest.
May 19th, 2006 at 7:36 am
I hear you. I actually thought I had that prophetic sense of purpose thing nailed - a jillion years of university and delayed gratification to arrive at one of those traditional “pinnacle of achievement” professions. 13 years post “arrival” I am rather stunned to find myself stagnant and dissatisfied. I suppose the journey theory may in fact be true.
May 26th, 2006 at 1:04 pm
Parallel lives…parallel lives.
We’re going through the same thing here in the Borealis household, both me and the Mister. Funny thing though, once you make a decision, you may find the change happens in an instant.
Good luck–we’re in your corner whichever way you jump!