I Am Ready
I think for a lot of people, life is just something that happens to them. And to some degree the lack of control over events is true. Things happen and there is nothing we can do about them (although I do believe that a lot of times what we think or claim to have had no control over is something we most certainly had a hand in). But still, regardless of whether or not the events were outside of our control, the one thing we do have control over is our reaction to them. We get to decide what we are going to do with those events, and all we can do is our best. So, we may not always handle things the way we would ideally like to see ourselves handle them, but if you’ve done your best, there is nothing else to be done.
We are fond of the blame game because if we don’t blame someone else, we have to blame ourselves and that is a hard burden to shoulder. And as self-reliant and stubbornly independent as I am, it still took me almost 30 years to really take full responsibility for my life in an internal way that allowed me to get my power back. I still try to give it to other people on occassion, but not nearly so frequently as I once did.
When I finally recognized that my life was my own to make of it what I will, I discovered in a very real way why I worked so hard for so long to give it away to everyone else, even if subconciously. And why conversations of this nature often include anger, frustration, defensiveness and anxiety. Personal responsibility is not an easy path and I don’t always have the confidence that I am capable of doing anything with my life. If I can put everything in other people’s hands and nothing comes of it, then the blame doesn’t lie on my doorstep. I am not bad. I have not failed. The system failed, or my parents failed or someone else did, but not me. Clearly I’m still on the lookout for a greater sense of validation.
The thing about the search for validation, however, is that it is generally a pursuit conducted completely in the external. And as such, never yields the desired result. You can’t write a book or post a blog or have some great career as a means of feeling okay about who you are. It really needs to be your foundation for every single action you take. Validation precedes, it does not follow. And in the rare cases where it does, it is not a lasting sense of validation, but something you struggle to cling to — a desperation that says, “I’m okay, I did this thing, see?”
When my own search for validation completely crosses the threshold into the external, I start hearing a mental buildup of voices and confusion that ultimately crescendo into a cacophony of mental clutter. Enter yesterday. As far as crisis points go, it was really minor. I am far better at recognizing the pattern and I am capable of instituting some measures of self care — make sure you don’t skip your walk, go to bed early, eat your dinner — and the older I get, the less severe they seem (more perspective? better skills? a combination of different elements? Yes, yes, yes.). I realize I’ve been looking in all the wrong places again and press the reset button.
About a month ago, while watching the Olympics, there was a commercial on television in which a person held up a notepad to the screen with the words, “I am” printed on them. I thought that would make such a great writing exercise. Start with the words “I am” and just go. I had one sentence. I am ready.
Ready for what?
Well, a lot of things. But just because I am ready doesn’t mean it is all going to happen tomorrow. I guess mostly what I need to be ready for is work and not results. Because you don’t get the results without the work. The path. The goals. The results. The validation. Everything is preceded by work. “Tend your garden,” says Voltaire. In other words, do your work. Patiently, progressively and with diligence. This is what there is for us. Do your work. It is about the process. Process, process, process. I should have the word tattooed to my forehead.
March 24th, 2006 at 9:49 am
Good for you for embracing your own life path. I’m 45 and I just now feel that I’m moving past the blaming of everyone else and am finally going forward in my own way. When I was a child we belonged to a church called the “I Am Temple”. Neil Diamond sings it! I have a poem stuck on my fridge for my kids to see that’s entitled
“ME I AM!”. It’s a great positive poem and I hope it’s helped them a bit to feel good about themselves.
March 24th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
Great post. As I was reading and you moved from the blaming part to the validation part, it occured to me that if you lay all the responsibility for the bad stuff externally it is really hard to really feel like you deserve validation for the good stuff. Taking responsibility works both ways. And it is a good thing. And working this out before your 40th birthday (and well before, no?) puts you way ahead of lots of us.
March 27th, 2006 at 5:55 pm
“I am” is enough. I think we struggle with validation because we don’t believe “I am” IS enough. We think we have to “be” or “do” to be enough. So, when you take personal responsiblity for all you do, negative and positive, you are declaring that you are…which, I think, is what JoVE said above. The only thing we need remember is that everything is everything.
March 29th, 2006 at 6:54 am
Beautifully written, where the writing documents the pursuit, as opposed to presenting an answer, an end point.
I love when something I read expands what I am in some way, and your mini travelogue through self-definition had that effect for me. Thanks.